....

i have so much to update on my blog. months and months worth of news, joys, and heartache. in time, i not only want to tell the story of our baby abigail kathleen, i will be able to. on February 22, 2013 we learned we were blessed with another baby growing inside of me. on july 5, 2013 our baby was born into heaven. the months in between were filled with love, excitement, daydreaming and then quickly turned to anxiety, pain, and heartache. Throughout those months, weeks, days and hours, I wrote things down, for once I learned that my time may be limited, I wanted to remember every second I had with my baby girl. I hope to share all my words, eventually. I hope abigail can leave a mark on this world, the way she has left one on us.

(taken early May)

But today, 7 weeks later, this little boy is making me smile, laugh and believe that the world is not that bad of a place. I wasn't able to say that 6 1/2 weeks ago. but this little boy tugs at every inch of my heart and the love i have for him is indescribable. he is healing me, with every hug he gives, kiss he blows, word he says, ball he throws, high five he gives, and face he makes. durning those moments of pain and anger that revisit my mind often, he quickly turns my thoughts into being grateful and appreciative. i will always miss abigail, always wonder about how life would be if she was here, always imagine how she would have looked with a bow in her hair but I know she is in a better place, free of pain & that, that leaves my heavy heart and tear filled eyes, at peace.

Time flies when your having fun...

Sometimes I get so busy living life, that if forget to take a step back and admire how truly amazing it is. SO much has happened since my last post in mid-February. My baby boy turned ONE on February 28 & we celebrated with 40 of our family and close friends on March 2. I have SO many pictures I'd love to share of the day but I'll just share some of my favorites. I have lots to catch up on, including our trip to Arizona, Easter, & life lately! More posted will be in the (near) future!! 

Back to Connors first birthday! The day was surreal as I stared at my 20 pound boy playing with his toys, walking around (with the help of the couch or walker), chatting up a storm and pointing to things. How could this be the same baby that I delieverd just 365 days ago? How did he go from barely opening his eyes and unable to hold his own head up to a little toddler, clapping, waving, and talking? I remember the day like it was yesterday. I can still remember laying in bed at 4am, feeling those first contractions and for a second thinking, is this really it? Within seconds I felt another one and there was no question, this was in fact IT! I can still remember the moment my water broke, while in bed, and Derek quickly jumping out of bed and into action. I remember the car ride, feeling those contractions so close apart as Derek drove, lets just say several miles over the speed limit. I can picture myself walking into room 207, thinking to myself "this is where my baby is going to be born". I can picture the walls, the window, the bed, the machines. I can see all my family and friends near. I can feel Derek hold my hand as he helped me contraction after contraction. 16 hours later, and 20 minutes of pushing, I got to hold my baby boy for the very first time. Instantly, as I felt his skin lay upon mine, he stole my heart. He opened my heart to feel even more love than it could have ever imagined. That day was the most magical day of my life, and I don't think many days will top it. I was in horrible pain, yet so at peace. I felt so much love from my husband and so much excitement from my family. 

365 days later, I stare at amazement at who that 7 pound 13 ounce baby boy has become and I thank God everyday for allowing me to be his mommy. Each of those 365 days, I held him close, I took the moments in because I knew he wouldn't stay a baby forever.

A first birthday isn't just a celebration for the baby, it's a celebration for the parents, the grandparents and the whole family. A whole year of raising a child, giving him 100% of my attention and love every single day. I leave you with some pictures of his extra special first birthday party!

more of my loves...

my current loves

1. I love hearing Derek tell his guy friends stories about Connor. He is such a proud daddy & SO good with Connor.

2. I love hot showers, even if they only last 4 minutes

3. I love my conversations with my mama & most leave me laughing after we hang up. Especially when we talk about dusting, 2% Kraft cheese or Facebook :)

4. I love staying home with Connor and watching him learn and grow everyday. I also love that when I am away from him 2 days a week he is well taken care of by Derek or my parents. Spending those days with them has made him love his daddy & Nonni & Pop so much!

5. I love rocking Connor to sleep; holding him so tight in my arms... I also love when he remains asleep once I put him in his crib.

6. I love laying on the couch with my snuggie on next to Derek. At the end of a busy day taking care of a baby, cooking dinner (sometimes), doing laundry (this family goes though some clothes), & homework... Its nice to cuddle on the couch.

7. I love that I have so much support from those around me. I am so lucky to get to stay home with my baby boy, attend graduate school and have a beautiful house to call my own.

Splish Splash

Lets take a bath!!

baths just may be (one of) Connors favorite parts of the day!

Now that daddy is working swing-shift, I let him play extra long in the water!

life lately

New favorite game

49er baby

 Sunday football family time- 49ers to the Superbowl

My favorite two boys!

Enjoying snack-time outside

My favorite quote! 

My little walker... fast walker

Back to Gradschool= busy days missing my boys

Followed by Lazy days of cuddling

10 months old

My 10 month old 

(3 weeks late)

On December 28, 2012 my little man turned 10 months old

Given the hectic holidays, I am just now posting his milestones

19lbs

Size 3 diapers

9-12 & some 12-18 clothing

12 month sleepers

You still have the brightest blue eyes that get SO many compliments everyday from strangers

Your smile? Contagious!

Do we see those 2 pearly whites? Those pop in around mid December & are growing bigger & bigger. Because of those 2 new teeth, you did NOT, I mean refused to sleep in your crib for a whole week this month. You'd fall quick asleep in mama's arm's then SCREAM once I laid you down. This resulted in several nights of sleeping with mama, several nights of mama sleeping in the chair while you slept & a few hours of mama standing right next to your crib until you drifted back to sleep :) 

All because I love you! 

 You are full of personality. You love to laugh, play peek-a-boo, crawl (all over the house in seconds), run fast in your walker, splash in the bathtub & get kisses from mommy!

 This month (December) you celebrated your 1st Christmas! You met Santa Claus & loved him, especially his hairy beard! Christmas was magical for you, and ALL of us! You were spoiled & loved opening all your presents and rolling around in the wrapping paper.

 You are pulling yourself up to your knees then standing (most of the time). We lowered your crib this month since mama walked in on you standing up in your crib as you contemplated how far of a drop it would be if you jumped out... Not good

This month, you have started showing so many more emotions and facial expression. 

You have learned staking your head back and forth means NO.

You smile so big and are so proud when you learn something new or stand up.

Connor Jackson

Happy 10 months old my love!